*This post was originally posted on March 10, 2017, enjoy some edits and an addendum at the end* There I stood, some 155 feet about the Nile River. My toes over the edge of the platform. My hands raised above my head, grasping the roof of the platform. The instructor in the background saying, "Don't look down, let go, spread your wings, and fly!" But I didn't! I released the roof, then I grabbed on tight again. Up and down my arms went, each time thinking, "What the hell are you doing?!" I felt a tingling sensation from my finger tips to my toes. My knees felt like they would buckle and I would just fall off the platform (now that would have made for a great picture). The tingling made it harder to hold on. I put my arms down one more time and heard a "3,2,1" in the background... ...There I was falling through the air! I don't remember anything, expect getting into the boat and almost crying. I JUMPED!! It wasn't until later that night I thought about what bungee jumping taught me about faith. We often find ourselves at the top of a platform. We doubt if we should jump, we doubt the outcomes. We know we are connected to a bungee cord, we know it's in our best interest to jump. However, we don't jump! Our brain all of a sudden becomes the most rational it has been our entire adult life, telling us, "No, what on earth are you doing?! You aren't 100% sure of the outcome of this!" Like seriously, why weren't you this rational in undergrad, brain?! Anyway... It made me think of the many times I triple or quadruple guessed if I should jump. Whether it was a new school, a new job, a new state, a new leadership position, a new opportunity, a new dating opportunity, a new anything, my brain always said, "Are you sure this is the right thing?" Funny, I call myself a Christian, I know I have a life line, a bungee cord connected to a harness. I know that when I jump, I can't fall, I can only fly, I'm protected...But I still hesitate to jump. The instructor kept saying, "Just let go, spread your wings and fly!" God tells us the same thing, "Let go, fly, trust me, I got you!" Yet, STILL, we don't jump! Why? Because we claim to have unwavering faith, but when it comes to situations that make us uncomfortable, truth is, our mustard seed vanishes. We are called to have faith that is powerful enough move mountains. We are charged to believe that when we take a leap, trusting and believing, there is no way we can fail. However, in moments which we don't have all the answers, we second-guess and lack the faith to overpower our brain. In the toughest decisions, we must believe that He is loyal and greater than anything we could think of. My heart said, "JUST JUMP!!" At the same time, my mind was saying, "This is stupid stupid, why are you up here?! There's a cord attached, but you can still die!" Overcoming your mind is the hardest part of faith, of life, actually. It's easier said than done. When you're at the top, when you're at the beginning of a new adventure, you have to trust and believe that you will fly! There I was, on my 25th birthday, falling, arms open wide. A part of me was anticipating the recoil, the jerk that signified I was didn't smash into the Nile River. I don't remember the fall, I just remember making it to the end. When I got to land, the instructor said, "See, I told you!" I'm like, "You're right, you're right!" How many times have you hesitated, quarreled, with your mind over whether to jump or not, and when you finally jumped, and felt that recoil, God said, "Bruh, listen, how many times do I have to tell you, I GOT YOU!!!" ADDENDUM As I prep for the New Year and my 28th trip around the sun, I have reread this post a few times. A few years later, and it still resonants. I've never been one for New Years' Resolutions, but I can't help to think about the things I MUST take a leap on in 2020. Y'all, so many things I hesitated to do in 2019, chances I didn't take, times I didn't jump. I held out on applying for jobs, graduate programs, and other things because I didn't think I was qualified for them. I was hard and very critical of myself, per usual. I psyched myself out. The things I did decide to do, I contemplated and thought about them longer than I should have. Don't get this confused with 2019 being a "bad" year, it wasn't. Well, it was a rollercoaster. LOL!! I mean, 2019 was going well, then without notice, shit got kinda crazy, and then by the time it leveled out, I was just like, "Ok, Imma just ride this thing out." But anyway, this past year I was back on that platform, putting my arms up and down, legs shaking like, "Do I jump, or nah?" I take full responsibility for the things I let fear and anxiety hinder me from doing in 2019. Oh, but in 2020, it ends. What are you hesitant about? Whatever it is, sis, take the leap. Fill out that application, even if you aren't qualified. Start the business! Launch the blog, podcast, or YouTube channel! Take the vacation, even if alone. Make a savings and investment plan. Start the new fitness journey, despite how previous fitness journeys have gone. Go out on that date. Hell, shoot the first shot. Go to that dance or sewing class. Don't hold back. You just have to start. You don't know the outcome, but you'll never know if you don't start. Walk into the New Year knowing you are loved by a God that only wants to see you win. Jump confidently, knowing that you are protected. Set goals that people will call you crazy for having. Jump boldly. Prevent your fear from resurfacing knowing that even when things don't seem like they will work out, it only means greater is in store for you. Nothing that is meant for you will pass you by. Oh, I'll throw this one in for free, things can still be working in your favor and be headed in the right direction, even in the midst of chaos. I'm a witness to that, so just chill. One thing that is certain, fear cannot go where you are headed. Let 2019 be the last year you cheat yourself. BET ON YOURSELF!! Be gentle with yourself, but also, HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE!! I repeat, BET ON YOURSELF AND HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE!!!! Yes, I am talking to myself just as much as I am talking to you when I say these things. BE INTENTIONAL! Know that NO ONE IS HOLDING YOU BACK BUT YOU! You are capable and deserving to go after what's yours. You are connected and covered, so live courageously.
...So, the next time you're at the top, the next time you need to take a jump, close your eyes, count to three, spread your wings, and fly! Until Next Time, Live In Love
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Before I returned from Peace Corps, I had a conversation, or a slight breakdown, to my Peace Corps sisters about being afraid of going back to bedside nursing. Working primarily in community health and health education, I feared that I had lost some clinical and critical thinking skills. Remember, I had only been in the clinical setting as a professional nurse for a little over a year before I started my service in Rwanda. While my health center allowed me to practice some clinical procedures, especially in the labor room, I spent most of my time programming and educating. Once I returned stateside I was apprehensive about applying as a staff nurse. I very much wanted to go back to the Intensive Care setting, but I knew I had been away from that atmosphere for over a year. So, I applied to New Graduate Programs. Most hospitals were like, “You’ve been out of nursing school for two years, you’re too old for a new graduate program.”
Anyway, even almost three years after my post-service, I am continuously processing how I gained SO MUCH MORE than I could have ever given or “lost” during service. Actually, it led me to process how all of my international travels and experiences have contributed to making me a better nurse. Some of you may know that I grew up traveling internationally because my father lived overseas for a great portion of my life and I spent summers and holidays with him. Therefore, when I began to travel as an adult, international travel wasn’t new to me; however, it’s importance didn’t set in until I reached college. During my undergraduate studies at THE ILLUSTRIOUS Prairie View A&M University, I was afforded opportunities to travel to Ghana and China. Some of my post-undergrad travels include: Rwanda, Uganda, Guam, Japan, South Korea, and the Philippines. How have these experiences made me a better nurse? The ability to connect to people. All of these places have taught me how to connect, how to respond, and how to adhere to different customs and cultures. No, I’m not fluent in all these foreign languages. However, I’ve studied enough Chinese to initiate a conversation. I know enough Tagalog to address people with respectful terms. I still keep in touch with my family and friends in Rwanda, so they keep my Kinyarwanda fresh. I know few Swahili words to chime in. I know enough German and French to not die. And, uuuuuh, Japanese and Korean go as far as, “Thank you,” but that Google translator is like Jesus, ALWAYS on time. We once had a patient on our unit that hated EVERYBODY. Y’all, she yelled and cursed everyone. I saw she was assigned to me one day and immediately thought, “Oh shit, here we go,” because you all know I’m not for all that disrespect, especially not towards nurses. However, I overheard her speaking with her family one day and noticed it was Chinese. The next time I entered her room I said, “Ni Hao, ma? (How are you?)” Her face LIT UP! I mean complete 180. I didn’t even know who this lady was anymore. However, we made a connection. She was interested in knowing about my time in China, she opened up to me about what she wished to be included in her care, and how much she wanted her family to know. My coworkers were baffled at how, all of a sudden, this patient loved me so much. America likes to boast about being a “melting pot,” but still has such a high intolerance and impatient attitude towards Non-Western European cultures. Internationally, I learned how to slow down and consider how a person’s cultural background plays into their medical care. Some cultures are okay with their families knowing everything, some don’t wish to have visitors in a time of perceived weakness. Many cultures process and accept death differently. Some prefer female patients to have only female caregivers. Some cultures prefer not to make eye contact. I know that my West African patients are going to be completely different from my East African patients. On Guam, even though a U.S. Territory, I learned that patients from islands have totally different healthcare concerns (that’s another post). When I get hand-off report and the off-going nurse says, “Their appetite is poor.” I’m like, “Is it? Or are they just not accustomed to eating this food. We should probably have the nutritionist go over what their family members can bring from home.” Let’s switch from the patient side to the colleague side. My international experiences have allowed me to move and work fluidly with my coworkers from different ethnic backgrounds. They are very much like patients, when they learn that you know and understand a little bit of their culture and customs they respect you more. They’re more likely to lend a hand, oh, and bring you food! PAUSE: Sometimes it’s evident that some people, patients, coworkers, randoms, are just stunned that a Black Woman would have these experiences, not to mention a Black Woman my age. But that’s neither here nor there and not for this post. So, nurses, I encourage you to travel internationally. Not just for vacation, but to serve. Serve a people different than you (Really, you can do this right here in the States and learn so much, but this post is about international travel). Serve with the intention of not imposing your beliefs and traditions, but with the intention of learning from those you are serving. Go work in unfavorable conditions with limited resources. Get your nose accustomed to different smells, and realize deodorant is a luxury and it only stinks to you because it’s not what you’re used to. I digress. Funny, when I started doing Crossfit in 2018, people would ask me, "How can you get so low in an overhead squat?" I'm like, "Y'all, I used the bathroom in this position for a year, I can stay down here for like 10 minutes." Any who, become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Nursing is the most trusted profession, and trust is what it boils down to. When patients feel as if they can connect with us, or that we are taking the time to connect with them, they trust us more. Now, don’t get me wrong, most days we are run ragged, I mean beat down, where we might only know a patient by room number. Sometimes patients are too sick for considerations that aren’t life or death. However, it only takes one small thing to foster a better sense of trust between patients, families, and caregivers. While I was worried about what I may have been losing during service, what I gained is incalculable. My international service and experiences make me a very unique nurse. All of them have made me into a better and more prudent nurse (because a Prairie Nurse is a Prudent Nurse). More importantly it made me into a more relatable and better human. Travel internationally, it’ll make you better…and really, who doesn’t want to be better? Until Next Time, Live in Love… “You seem so happy! Like genuinely happy!”
I always smirk when I hear this because in the back of my mind I’m always thinking, “Listen, you don’t even know!” I was a smiley kid, a smiley teenager. Even in college people would say, “Your smile is so teethy, and your eyes are barely open!” However, there are a select few that witnessed me go close to a year without genuinely smiling (And in pictures you could tell when my smile was fake). They watched me show up to places and events just to show face, and they knew I had a personal time limit I could be there before I needed to leave. They stood on standby when I didn’t leave the house at all. People asked them, “Where’s Curtrelle?” Knowing exactly where I was, they responded, “She’s good.” If there isn’t anyone happier to see me smile and bask in true joy, other than myself, its them. It’s them because they watched me go from smiling to not smiling, they know just how long I went without it, and what I had to do to get here. What did I do, you ask? I CHOSE LIFE! It seems so simple, right? I mean we wake up, we go to work, we spend time with family and friends; life. Wrong. Yes, we wake up and we go through the motions, but have you ever had to consciously choose life? I sometimes find myself reflecting on the time frame that forced me I chose life. Let’s back up to 2015, which I feel like I’ve discussed in a previous post. But for recollection purposes, twenty-two-year-old Curtrelle had just graduated from nursing school and already had a job upon graduating, a very good one at that. I already had my own apartment and didn’t have to worry about anything. Oh, and I was living my best life with my line-sisters and friends. I began to “seriously” date, because, I mean, what else are you supposed to do after college? Dating was next in line, duh. Life was good. However, in a very short time frame all of that went to hell in a handbasket. I was being abused mentally by my boss at the time, I dreaded going to work. Like, HATED IIIIIIIIT!! As a new grad nurse, you’re all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and that was quickly shot to pieces. Simultaneously, I was diagnosed with a health condition that would possibly impact my life forever. I learned a lot about my parents’ relationship, and familiar relationships. And my “situation-ship” BLEW TF UP!! Like you guys, it’s funny now, because I’m older, more mature, and just all around stronger, but back then, not so much. In previous years, the only thing or person that could knock me down was my mother telling me, “You ain’t hot shit, do better!” Her opinion was pretty much the only person’s opinion I cared about. So, imagine strong-willed, twenty-three-year-old, me being knocked down and made to feel at fault and inadequate from all these different people and situations in my life. Who would have thought? Not me!! My life was changing, things weren’t going as planned, I was sick, so I retreated. I retreated to my apartment, where only a few people knew if I was ok or not. I deleted all social media. I wallowed. I was not ok. I scared my family, I scared my friends, and there were times that I frightened myself. My apartment became the safest place for me. I went to work, because bills, and then I went home. If anyone wanted to see me, they came to 9701 Meyer Forest Dr. I had to travel to New Jersey for my grandfather’s 80th birthday party, and my cousin, Nicole, immediately said, “There’s something wrong with you, you’re losing weight.” You guys know, I CANNOT AFFORD TO LOSE WEIGHT! Oh, but I was small, clothes just falling off. I was, “One meal-a-day, and a bottle of wine” small. As time went on, those closest to me, including my mom, simply said, “There’s NOTHING I can do for you. So, what are you going to do for yourself?” So, one day, after months, and with a kick in the ass from my tribe, I CHOSE LIFE. I mean, I consciously chose life. I chose to wake up and do the things that I loved to do. I set an alarm to wake up in the morning. I had an agenda book with regular things like grocery shopping scheduled, reading times, and eating times. I picked up my tennis racket and started going to the tennis court every day I wasn’t working. I consciously ate meals that provided substance, because I had to get my weight up. I consciously sought out a therapist and went to see her weekly. I only did things I wanted to do, and learned that I didn’t have to feel guilty about not showing up to events. I missed weddings, baby showers, and birthdays, but for me, I had to choose life, my life. I lost friends and acquaintances. With the heart I have, I’ve always chose others, or I’ve always had the mental capacity to take on the burdens of others. However, at that point, there was nothing more important than choosing myself, it was vital. A part of choosing life was applying to Peace Corps, it was something I’ve always wanted to do. Applying wasn’t easy, I had to write about my purpose, meaning I actually had to think about my purpose, meaning I actually had to think about myself having purpose again. I had to choose life. Although, I received my acceptance letter shortly after interviewing, I was initially medically disqualified. Why? Because I checked “Yes” to the “Have you have ever or are you currently seeing a therapist?” question. HA!I was disqualified for being completely honest about seeing a therapist. I had 30 days to appeal the decision and submit any “proof” that I was “fit to serve.” Chiiiile listen, was I discouraged? Yeah, and I was not going to appeal, but I was also in a season of choosing life, my life. So, I appealed, and won. And honestly, you choose your life pretty much every day in Peace Corps because no one is forcing you to go out into your community and work, you have to want to. You have to come out of your shell and be present. If not, your neighbors will knock on your door and peak in your windows if they haven’t seen you. JK, well, not really. But anyway, you have to want to be present. Side-note: I named this blog, "In Her Heals," because I knew Peace Corps would contribute to my healing as I was providing service in the hills of Rwanda. *Cues Music* "If you don't know, now you knoow." Ok, let’s speed this up, I go to Peace Corps, come home, start working at GW, and leave home again, a year later. After my Peace Corps service abruptly came to an end, I was apprehensive AF to leave home again. I thought, “Eh, maybe you should stick close to home, focus on settling in one place.” Seriously, who was I kidding?!?! Then, BOOM! Guam, my first travel nursing assignment, the assignment I didn’t know I needed. Three years had passed, and I don’t think I realized how much I had grown until, one day in Guam, I doubled back past the mirror, because I thought I saw a lizard on it, and I stopped and I looked at myself in the mirror. I immediately smiled, and said, “You’re back, babygirl.” I had healed. I was filled with authentic, almost indescribable, joy and peace. Bad days weren’t that bad. I had control over how I reacted to things. I reclaimed my body and health. My perspective had changed. I was still in control to choose life, almost unconsciously at this point. I had grown to realize that anything I thought, and wanted to do, I could manifest into happening. I believed I could, so I did. I was lifting heavier, learned how to climb the rope, transforming into a leader at work. I was stronger mentally and physically. I received all types of messages saying, “You look so happy,” “I’ve never seen you this happy”, and, of course, “are you dating someone?” NO!! No one was in control of my joy other than myself. As a result of no one being in control of my joy, later in my assignment, I opened up myself to be courted again. A HUGE step for me. Yeah, I had been on a few dates since 2015, but I was inaccessible and unavailable. Scarred, I hadn’t opened myself up to allow anyone to seriously pursue me. I must say, it was so much fun!! LOL!! Jessica and Jared loved hearing about my random dinners. And you KNOW I pulled me one in that red dress. A nice fellow that, whether we knew what would come of us when we got back to the states or not, we had fun with it (yes, I’m still hella single, so don’t go running ya mouth). Healing. Physically, I was and am in the best shape I've been in since high school. Whether it was with friends or solo, I chose life, and traveled to countries I’ve always dreamed of visiting. I moved freely, without fear. I had a lot of Forrest Gump moments, “I wanted to go to Tokyo Disney, so I did.” Specifically, during my time in Japan, I remember riding the train through Tokyo, and just thinking to myself, “Aren’t you glad you chose life?” I know what it feels like to live cycling through the motions. Living day-to-day, but not necessarily choosing my life. I’m not going to act like I don’t stay in bed somedays or get down on myself, but at the end of the day I choose life. Whether it’s heartbreak, upset, work stress, family stress, self-doubt, or anything that has you going through the cycle of living, you can choose life. Don’t expect for it to happen overnight, it won’t. TAKE THE TIME TO DO THE WORK. Your friends can’t do it for you. Your family can’t do it for you. Your job can’t fix it, and neither can your “Lil friend.” TAKE THE TIME TO DO THE WORK. Choose life, choose your life. Be selfish and intentional with your time, space, and emotions, it’s ok, you’re allowed. Go to therapy!! “You can have Jesus and a therapist,” it’s in the Bible. Well, maybe not, but the two go hand-and-hand. Surround yourself with a tribe of people that love you, not what you have to offer them, but genuinely love you...so I’d like to give a shoutout to Priscilla, Charlie, Breanna, Ebony, and of course, my Momma, you know I LOVE YOU to the moon, past it, circle back three, fo’ times. Thank you for being my tribe! Don’t go places you don’t want to go. My mother gets mad at me because I’ll just be like, “Nah, I’m not going to that.” They’ll be ok, if you don’t “show face.” BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF; don’t be so hard on yourself. TRUST THE PROCESS! You may lose some friends, some may turn into just acquaintances, and that’s ok as well. You’re allowed to do whatever you need to do to heal and protect your peace because at the end of the day, you deserve to have peace and joy that stems from deep within your soul. You are worthy and capable of self-love and love from others. It may seem frightening, it will most definitely require dedication and digging deep into some tough places, but go ahead and CHOOSE LIFE. I promise, you won’t regret it! Until Next Time, Live in Love… |