“You seem so happy! Like genuinely happy!”
I always smirk when I hear this because in the back of my mind I’m always thinking, “Listen, you don’t even know!” I was a smiley kid, a smiley teenager. Even in college people would say, “Your smile is so teethy, and your eyes are barely open!” However, there are a select few that witnessed me go close to a year without genuinely smiling (And in pictures you could tell when my smile was fake). They watched me show up to places and events just to show face, and they knew I had a personal time limit I could be there before I needed to leave. They stood on standby when I didn’t leave the house at all. People asked them, “Where’s Curtrelle?” Knowing exactly where I was, they responded, “She’s good.” If there isn’t anyone happier to see me smile and bask in true joy, other than myself, its them. It’s them because they watched me go from smiling to not smiling, they know just how long I went without it, and what I had to do to get here. What did I do, you ask? I CHOSE LIFE! It seems so simple, right? I mean we wake up, we go to work, we spend time with family and friends; life. Wrong. Yes, we wake up and we go through the motions, but have you ever had to consciously choose life? I sometimes find myself reflecting on the time frame that forced me I chose life. Let’s back up to 2015, which I feel like I’ve discussed in a previous post. But for recollection purposes, twenty-two-year-old Curtrelle had just graduated from nursing school and already had a job upon graduating, a very good one at that. I already had my own apartment and didn’t have to worry about anything. Oh, and I was living my best life with my line-sisters and friends. I began to “seriously” date, because, I mean, what else are you supposed to do after college? Dating was next in line, duh. Life was good. However, in a very short time frame all of that went to hell in a handbasket. I was being abused mentally by my boss at the time, I dreaded going to work. Like, HATED IIIIIIIIT!! As a new grad nurse, you’re all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and that was quickly shot to pieces. Simultaneously, I was diagnosed with a health condition that would possibly impact my life forever. I learned a lot about my parents’ relationship, and familiar relationships. And my “situation-ship” BLEW TF UP!! Like you guys, it’s funny now, because I’m older, more mature, and just all around stronger, but back then, not so much. In previous years, the only thing or person that could knock me down was my mother telling me, “You ain’t hot shit, do better!” Her opinion was pretty much the only person’s opinion I cared about. So, imagine strong-willed, twenty-three-year-old, me being knocked down and made to feel at fault and inadequate from all these different people and situations in my life. Who would have thought? Not me!! My life was changing, things weren’t going as planned, I was sick, so I retreated. I retreated to my apartment, where only a few people knew if I was ok or not. I deleted all social media. I wallowed. I was not ok. I scared my family, I scared my friends, and there were times that I frightened myself. My apartment became the safest place for me. I went to work, because bills, and then I went home. If anyone wanted to see me, they came to 9701 Meyer Forest Dr. I had to travel to New Jersey for my grandfather’s 80th birthday party, and my cousin, Nicole, immediately said, “There’s something wrong with you, you’re losing weight.” You guys know, I CANNOT AFFORD TO LOSE WEIGHT! Oh, but I was small, clothes just falling off. I was, “One meal-a-day, and a bottle of wine” small. As time went on, those closest to me, including my mom, simply said, “There’s NOTHING I can do for you. So, what are you going to do for yourself?” So, one day, after months, and with a kick in the ass from my tribe, I CHOSE LIFE. I mean, I consciously chose life. I chose to wake up and do the things that I loved to do. I set an alarm to wake up in the morning. I had an agenda book with regular things like grocery shopping scheduled, reading times, and eating times. I picked up my tennis racket and started going to the tennis court every day I wasn’t working. I consciously ate meals that provided substance, because I had to get my weight up. I consciously sought out a therapist and went to see her weekly. I only did things I wanted to do, and learned that I didn’t have to feel guilty about not showing up to events. I missed weddings, baby showers, and birthdays, but for me, I had to choose life, my life. I lost friends and acquaintances. With the heart I have, I’ve always chose others, or I’ve always had the mental capacity to take on the burdens of others. However, at that point, there was nothing more important than choosing myself, it was vital. A part of choosing life was applying to Peace Corps, it was something I’ve always wanted to do. Applying wasn’t easy, I had to write about my purpose, meaning I actually had to think about my purpose, meaning I actually had to think about myself having purpose again. I had to choose life. Although, I received my acceptance letter shortly after interviewing, I was initially medically disqualified. Why? Because I checked “Yes” to the “Have you have ever or are you currently seeing a therapist?” question. HA!I was disqualified for being completely honest about seeing a therapist. I had 30 days to appeal the decision and submit any “proof” that I was “fit to serve.” Chiiiile listen, was I discouraged? Yeah, and I was not going to appeal, but I was also in a season of choosing life, my life. So, I appealed, and won. And honestly, you choose your life pretty much every day in Peace Corps because no one is forcing you to go out into your community and work, you have to want to. You have to come out of your shell and be present. If not, your neighbors will knock on your door and peak in your windows if they haven’t seen you. JK, well, not really. But anyway, you have to want to be present. Side-note: I named this blog, "In Her Heals," because I knew Peace Corps would contribute to my healing as I was providing service in the hills of Rwanda. *Cues Music* "If you don't know, now you knoow." Ok, let’s speed this up, I go to Peace Corps, come home, start working at GW, and leave home again, a year later. After my Peace Corps service abruptly came to an end, I was apprehensive AF to leave home again. I thought, “Eh, maybe you should stick close to home, focus on settling in one place.” Seriously, who was I kidding?!?! Then, BOOM! Guam, my first travel nursing assignment, the assignment I didn’t know I needed. Three years had passed, and I don’t think I realized how much I had grown until, one day in Guam, I doubled back past the mirror, because I thought I saw a lizard on it, and I stopped and I looked at myself in the mirror. I immediately smiled, and said, “You’re back, babygirl.” I had healed. I was filled with authentic, almost indescribable, joy and peace. Bad days weren’t that bad. I had control over how I reacted to things. I reclaimed my body and health. My perspective had changed. I was still in control to choose life, almost unconsciously at this point. I had grown to realize that anything I thought, and wanted to do, I could manifest into happening. I believed I could, so I did. I was lifting heavier, learned how to climb the rope, transforming into a leader at work. I was stronger mentally and physically. I received all types of messages saying, “You look so happy,” “I’ve never seen you this happy”, and, of course, “are you dating someone?” NO!! No one was in control of my joy other than myself. As a result of no one being in control of my joy, later in my assignment, I opened up myself to be courted again. A HUGE step for me. Yeah, I had been on a few dates since 2015, but I was inaccessible and unavailable. Scarred, I hadn’t opened myself up to allow anyone to seriously pursue me. I must say, it was so much fun!! LOL!! Jessica and Jared loved hearing about my random dinners. And you KNOW I pulled me one in that red dress. A nice fellow that, whether we knew what would come of us when we got back to the states or not, we had fun with it (yes, I’m still hella single, so don’t go running ya mouth). Healing. Physically, I was and am in the best shape I've been in since high school. Whether it was with friends or solo, I chose life, and traveled to countries I’ve always dreamed of visiting. I moved freely, without fear. I had a lot of Forrest Gump moments, “I wanted to go to Tokyo Disney, so I did.” Specifically, during my time in Japan, I remember riding the train through Tokyo, and just thinking to myself, “Aren’t you glad you chose life?” I know what it feels like to live cycling through the motions. Living day-to-day, but not necessarily choosing my life. I’m not going to act like I don’t stay in bed somedays or get down on myself, but at the end of the day I choose life. Whether it’s heartbreak, upset, work stress, family stress, self-doubt, or anything that has you going through the cycle of living, you can choose life. Don’t expect for it to happen overnight, it won’t. TAKE THE TIME TO DO THE WORK. Your friends can’t do it for you. Your family can’t do it for you. Your job can’t fix it, and neither can your “Lil friend.” TAKE THE TIME TO DO THE WORK. Choose life, choose your life. Be selfish and intentional with your time, space, and emotions, it’s ok, you’re allowed. Go to therapy!! “You can have Jesus and a therapist,” it’s in the Bible. Well, maybe not, but the two go hand-and-hand. Surround yourself with a tribe of people that love you, not what you have to offer them, but genuinely love you...so I’d like to give a shoutout to Priscilla, Charlie, Breanna, Ebony, and of course, my Momma, you know I LOVE YOU to the moon, past it, circle back three, fo’ times. Thank you for being my tribe! Don’t go places you don’t want to go. My mother gets mad at me because I’ll just be like, “Nah, I’m not going to that.” They’ll be ok, if you don’t “show face.” BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF; don’t be so hard on yourself. TRUST THE PROCESS! You may lose some friends, some may turn into just acquaintances, and that’s ok as well. You’re allowed to do whatever you need to do to heal and protect your peace because at the end of the day, you deserve to have peace and joy that stems from deep within your soul. You are worthy and capable of self-love and love from others. It may seem frightening, it will most definitely require dedication and digging deep into some tough places, but go ahead and CHOOSE LIFE. I promise, you won’t regret it! Until Next Time, Live in Love…
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